Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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