I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
