So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
