Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
