its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
