They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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