dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
