There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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