I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I hope mine doesn't look like that
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
