dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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