Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
