I need to stop coming to work sober
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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