He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
