I want to stick my p in your. b.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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