she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
