Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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