i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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