sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
