She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
