he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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