it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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