If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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