Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He shit in the fireplace
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
