Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
