someone threw a dead crab at me
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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