This girl is more easily done than said...
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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