hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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