I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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