you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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