She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
