saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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