I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
