my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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