Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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