I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just high enough for therapy.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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