Her vagina should come with caution tape.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
