Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
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