I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
