Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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