I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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