he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
