i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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