Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize