I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize