the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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