if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
