Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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