so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
