I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
