Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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