ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
