Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I have fence marks all over my body
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
