i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
