I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
