I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
