Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
