Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
