according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
