Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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