I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I am midnight drunk by noon
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
