I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
