seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
