im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize