you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
